Weekend Musings: The Female Gaze

The Enigmatic Look Women Give One Another

I have often wondered what women think when they look at one another. It is usually a silent assessment—nothing said aloud—only a quick scanning with the eyes, absorbing little details. That look is intriguing, and I have never quite understood what goes on in their minds in those brief moments.

The other day, at the all-ladies branch of my bank, a woman was standing in front of me—businesslike, with two thick pay-in slip books, sorting out some issue with her account. At the next counter, another woman kept watching her intently. I assumed she was connected to the matter, but the nature of her gaze was different. It even made the customer conscious; she suddenly behaved more “official,” as if putting on an armour. The atmosphere felt slightly uncomfortable. And then, almost casually, the woman at the counter remarked on the customer’s earrings—fish-shaped, unique, and beautiful. That broke the tension immediately. But it left me even more puzzled about what women actually register in those first few seconds.

I myself had not noticed the earrings at all—and probably never would have—if the comment hadn’t come. It made me realise how differently men and women look at one another. With men, the “male gaze” is well-defined and often discussed. But what about women? The so-called “female gaze” is something else entirely; it does not describe this quiet, internal evaluation that I’m trying to understand.

Last month, after a formal first-time meeting with a couple at a restaurant, my wife told me that the other woman had been scanning her dress, jewelry, the overall look. I had been completely unaware of this silent visual exchange. It made me think that women must be using these cues—dress, accessories, grooming—as markers of social context, taste, and perhaps even class. For men, things are often more straightforward. A man’s work, role, or reputation signals his position, even if he walks in dressed plainly.

Women, however, seem to read subtler cues—the things that announce themselves not from the man, but from the woman beside him. How she dresses, what she wears, the way she carries herself, her manner of speaking. These are soft signals of wealth, status, or refinement, and women appear to decode them instinctively. Men, on the other hand, rarely notice such things. My daughter summed it up beautifully when she said, “Men look at you; women look through you.” Trust a woman to capture the essence so sharply.

As much as real life teaches us, cinema sometimes reveals these nuances even more clearly. Certain women-centric films capture that silent exchange with surprising honesty. One that comes to mind is Lapata Ladies, where two young brides are accidentally swapped. As things unfold, we discover sisterhood in a more meaningful way—where a single glance often carries the weight of years, years of being watched, judged, compared, and expected to meet standards the world quietly imposes on them.

Perhaps that is why their eyes take in more than we men ever notice—not to find faults, but to understand, to protect themselves, and at times even to reassure the other person. There is a mixture of curiosity, empathy, and a kind of unspoken sisterhood in those moments when their eyes rest on one another.

After all, the women we encounter in these brief exchanges are no different from our own sisters, wives, daughters, or mothers—each carrying her own world of pressures and expectations with remarkable grace. Maybe recognising this will make us a little more understanding when we see that look, and a little gentler in how we interpret it.

But is that all? I suspect there is more to that look—something unspoken, layered, and shaped over years of watching and being watched. I once asked my wife about it, but her answer was vague—not out of discomfort, I feel, but because the look itself is loaded with emotional and psychological layers that are difficult to put into words. Perhaps even women cannot fully articulate what they sense in those brief moments. And that, in a way, brings the mystery full circle.

Not that it shifts the earth and sky, but perhaps understanding this unseen world, even a little, may leave us men a touch wiser—and just a little kinder in our ways.

You may also want to read my piece on:  Weekday Musings – When 'Nothing' means nothing...and also everything!

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