Birthday Musings: 2022

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I thank you all for your warm birthday greetings. There is a feeling of closeness and a sense of belonging that cannot be expressed, and I am truly grateful for that. I am normally a quiet and private person and shy away from all the attention that birthdays and celebrations give. However, now after reading all your lovely birthday greetings, I feel happy to share my joy with you.

 Birthdays are times when one looks back and probably is the only time in the year that makes one conscious of age. When I look back, all the years come rushing along, holding their bitter sweet memories. Somewhere along the corridors of life, amidst all its events, you realise the long way that there is a purpose to everything...a Divine order and harmony in all happenings. Taken in the right spirit, it promotes an attitude of faith and acceptance. I remember the dialogue from '3 Idiots', " Bahut mushkil se aya hain ye attitude...Main mera ye attitude rakh loonga....". 

This attitude has shown that there is no room for regrets. Rather, when I look back, it is more as a witness, from a position of understanding and control. It gives a discerning, non-judgemental view of past events. Submission to the Divine Will drives out every vestige of regret and misgiving. The words by Omar Khayyam here suggest God's hand in writing our past (and our destinies) and makes it worthwhile revisiting it...if not on any day, at least on the birthday:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

So, when I reminisce today, I see a young boy of nine, who has lost his father. He feels lonely and lost, because it was all so sudden, just a matter of a couple of days. It was in the summer vacation at the end of the 4th Standard. A day before his 9th birthday. 

I distinctly remember a particularly poignant moment at the start of the term of the 5th Standard. There was a form to be submitted where both parents had to sign and the teacher, Ms.Oliveria, called me in her class and asked why my father had not signed. I silently stood for some time and just pointed to the place where it was written, ‘Expired’. 

I never knew what my father really was, only gradually to learn later that he was well read and a cultured person with immaculate social graces. What was though stuck in memory of the young impressionable boy was more of a handsome, well dressed (he was a Zodiac man), stylish, if not a flamboyant man. 

 The period of loneliness was inextricably tied up with those school days. As there was no strong fatherly influence to guide me, I took to books and the writers/authors shaped my life. I read copiously and had an eclectic taste, which is probably the reason I can relate to most topics and subjects. Apart from literature, I took to art and films as well and was a member of various film societies, art societies, NCPA, even an art library at Jahangir Art Gallery. My interest and knowledge of art and films could be attributed to this.

 But why am I telling you all this on my birthday? It is the journey of this small boy, who is now very much in your midst. He shares with you his thoughts  and other things that matter to him. Not sure that by connecting to you in this way he is trying to reconcile to a distant past that was once lost. He likes to believe you may be interested in his random musings and will indulge him with your patience and understanding.

The overarching driver of my life is to realize my inner purpose and everything converges to this end. One thing this does is, is a continous endeavour to be kind and considerate...life teaches us to be forgiving and compassionate.

Looks like I am in an unusual sombre mood today and sorry for extending it to you. For some reason birthdays always seem to create this mood. But I acknowledge it, as one should be true to one's feelings, rather than supress them. I end with the lines by William Blake, that has shaped my life experience:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, 
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.

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